Lilwickidz ‏@Lilwickidz 20 May
@GrimDReaper, there will always be imitators, but there will only be one real The Movie Crypt with Death at its ghastly helm.

The sad fact is that this is our fault. How can it be that there’s anyone out there who doesn’t know who we are and we do here? To this end, consider the coffin lid kicked open and the other tombstone dropped. The skies will darken and the dead will rise, and behind them you will see us, all of us, laughing maniacally and with scythes unsheathed. It’s going to be a slaughter; see you at the aftermath!

That said, no ill was wished upon anyone for the following. This was a rant prompted by a helpful minion pointing it out to me, that they feared someone was using our site title, MovieCrypt, maliciously and with ill intent. Someone else pointed out that no matter who says what, we were the original, and that is a fine point of distinction that no amount of threatened litigation, real or imaginary, can dispute.

The following individuals cannot be proven as “Usurpers! Vagabonds! Thieves! And Yes, Even Knock-Offs!” and MovieCrypt.com apologizes to anyone who took personal offense to our statements (although, seriously, we know people and you should let us help; the words “Movie Crypt” should always look their best). Just as we thought MovieCrypt was a cool name for our site in 1998, it’s up to us to shout it up from the catacombs and into every dark corner of the internet (except where the pedophiles hang out… ick).

Here’s the original post.

I’ve been doing reviews and providing deathly fun here on MovieCrypt.com for some time now, but in this blink-and-you’ll-miss-it online world, it seems there have been a few new upstarts laying claim to the words “Movie Crypt,” in that exact order and doing a very similar thing. Brand identity is important folks, and I’ve been here since 1998. To be fair, maybe they didn’t look… and then again maybe they should have.

Here’s the first one I just found out about, on a new “beta” site called Geek Nation. It’s a podcast! And they have three whole episodes! I don’t wish ill on anyone (just doing my job, after all) but seriously? Okay, they could use some minions with some graphic arts skills, wouldn’t you say?

Then there’s this, but it looks fairly abandoned (this happens more often than you’d think) from someone called Monster Head. Coming soon… perhaps never. I’m not even sure what this is even supposed to be. A bar? A movie? A podcast? At least the other guys have a clear indication of what it is they’re trying to accomplish.

Now these guys I like! Clever little show, lots of episodes, doing their own thing. See that name “Baron” up there? That makes all the difference. Unfortunately, it looks as though Blip has cancelled their little dramedy… but they’re moving it to YouTube to carry on! Now THAT makes for a worthy opponent…!

Looks like I’m just going to have to step this up a notch… and I have friends. “Legions” you might say. Wanna have some fun? Spread this around wherever you can, link it up with anyone who’ll post it. The all-new Crypt is finished, and it’s a 164 days before Halloween.

Let’s own it.

So why are we telling you this? THIS is why.

The setting: a family vacation cabin deep in the woods. The setup: Mia (Jane Levy) is a junkie trying to get clean with the help of family and friends. The twist: the missing squatters who broke into the cabin were possibly into witchcraft, and they left something behind. Faster than you read magic words from a book of the dead bound in human flesh, five friends find themselves in a fight for their lives and their souls to prevent an evil entity from being brought into this world, and they’ll need all the luck, chainsaws, and boomsticks they can get.

Horror fans are almost certainly familiar with the original Evil Dead series directed by Sam Raimi and starring Bruce Campbell, but director Fede Alvarez paints his film not as a re-imagining but as a fresh installment complete with James Bond-esque pre-title setup. The premise is purposeful, an intervention where some old friends who’ve drifted apart are bound in a common cause. What works here is that none of these characters seem particularly important or even likable until everything falls apart. Character begins to ooze out (often literally), giving us heroes to cheer and for more than just their survival instinct.

First, the big answers to the big questions. Yes, there’s a tree rape scene, and no, it isn’t gratuitous. No, there isn’t a character named Ash and no one is trying to fill The Chin’s sizable shoes. And yes, there’s something after the credits. Homage is paid to Raimi and Campbell (familiar props and costumes, for example), but the new Evil Dead carves out a niche of its own. This isn’t an excuse for torture porn; something evil is corrupting those within because it was invited, and the demon’s best trick is to get those victims to target one another.

It may seem like there are only five characters: Mia, the aforementioned junkie; David (Shiloh Fernandez) the unreliable junkie’s brother; Eric (Lou Taylor Pucci), a hippie school teacher, Olivia (Jessica Lucas) a hospital nurse, and David’s out-of-sorts doe-eyed girlfriend Natalie (Elizabeth Blackmore). But the most interesting character is the setting itself: the cabin in the woods. After Joss Whedon’s film of the same title, it was a given that this popular horror location needed to be turned up a notch (or three) going forward. Fortunately, the practical effects team succeeds in creating a setting ripe for the gore to follow. This is also where the new and improved Book of the Dead really shines, using it as a device to suggest what is happening, why it is happening, and what is about to happen.

Still, not all is well in the Land of the Deadites. Natalie the girlfriend’s back story feels like it was either unimportant or cut for time, relegating her to a disposable character before her mandatory gore scenes grant her a brief moment to shine. Our convenient nurse also seems more of a plot device and future victim than anyone important. The hippie teacher is unable to resist the found book wrapped in barbed wire, inked in blood, and bound in human flesh, and yet he, too, is annoyingly uninteresting until much later.

The payoff is how it all comes together, giving a single survivor the opportunity to earn redemption for the rest. We’re also never told what substance was being abused, and its nonchalant disposal is one of several clever details to seed interesting possibilities for an already discussed followup. It’s hard to imagine what added footage the unrated Blu-ray will contain that kept the theatrical cut down to an R-rating. Enjoy but be warned: you might need a tetanus shot and stitches just watching it.

(a three and a half skull recommendation out of four)

So, a little about the man pulled from Wikipedia:

Roger Joseph Ebert was an American journalist, film critic, and screenwriter. He was a film critic for the Chicago Sun-Times from 1967 until his death. In 1975, he was the first film critic to win the Pulitzer Prize for Criticism.

My review of Blade 2 in 2002 had generated a bit of flack in how much praise I had given it, but I soon discovered that I wasn’t alone: Roger Ebert had given it 3.5/4.0 stars himself, higher than most of the average user ratings on the site.

I’m not known for going along with the so-called “average film critic” on my opinions, but they are MY opinions and therefore NEVER wrong (likewise, I will never tell you that YOUR opinions are wrong, but that won’t stop me from trying to make you “see the light,” pun intended). While Mr. Ebert and I disagreed on as many films as we both enjoyed, his passion for film was never in question. Paraphrasing the words of Evelyn Beatrice Hall on her critique of Voltaire’s beliefs, I may disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it (and that speaks volumes coming from the likes of me).

This way to your seat, sir… enjoy the rest of the show.

After yet another betrayal (sensing a pattern here), the covert operations team codenamed G.I. Joe is all but wiped out. Their enemy, COBRA, has launched a new plan to subvert freedom (check) and conquer the world (check). Roadblock (Dwayne Johnson), Flint (D.J. Cotrona) and Lady Jaye (Adrianne Palicki) manage to survive the attack, regrouping on US soil to piece together who could have given the order to wipe them out. Meanwhile, the President of the United States (Jonathan Pryce) is being terrorized by an imposter (also mostly played by Jonathan Pryce) in an effort to put COBRA’s evil plan into action. And on the other side of the globe, Snake Eyes (Ray Park) and new-recruit Jinx (Elodie Yung) are looking for Storm Shadow (Byung-hun Lee) to answer for his crimes against their order and possibly be coerced into reveal COBRA’s plans. Only one thing is certain: a whole bunch of things are about to get blown up.

The first big-screen outing of G.I. Joe, The Rise of Cobra, was kind of a spectacular mess, but it was a somewhat entertaining spectacular mess. Between the writer’s strike and too many cooks stirring the pot, there were problems, but overall it was better than any previous Transformers films or the recent Battleship debacle. It was obvious that filmmakers were trying to reinvent (because sometimes you can’t get the rights to all the story you’d like to use). This new film, however, manages to build on the original and fix the missteps before merrily blowing up everything they can get away with. Folks, we’d all love to see a hard-line G.I. Joe film where everything is realistic, but when was the show ever realistic?

Jonathan Pryce is hands-down the best reason to see the movie. As the fake POTUS, he steals every scene (especially from his dual-role self) and just generally appears to be having a blast; heck, he kind of makes a bad-ass president! While Controna’s Flint has little to do but occupy a billet, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s Roadblock is spot-on as acting Joe team leader. Adrianne Palicki’s Lady Jaye manages to shine through some whiny dialogue and eventually sounds charming doing it (and she’s a lot more useful than Scarlet was last outting). Ray Park delivers his usual punch as the silent Snake Eyes (no fake mask mouth this time) while Byung-hun Lee takes Storm Shadow from turned-up-collar poser to a formidable adversary. Even Cobra Commander steps up the cool, getting one of the best lines in the film to go with his menacing new look and voice. Bruce Willis is in full-on cameo mode but doesn’t detract from the film.

The combat setups are as simple as the character bits, getting to action sequences as quick as they can. The nine months that filmmakers had to tweak the film seemed to include abbreviating pointless background material and pumping up the look of the finished product. Fans of the show will finally see familiar COBRA equipment in action, but this brings up an interesting point. The bad guys appear genuinely happy working for COBRA, like a bunch of blue-collar union guys who moonlight as weekend warriors. Firefly (Ray Stevenson) is actually menacing as a thorn in Roadblock’s side. Story wise, there’s a diabolical balls-out “nuclear chicken” scene that’s so clever it’s a wonder no one has actually tried this before… on-screen, that is.

Still, there are problems. You can feel how small the sets and budgets were for this film, but the CGI department manages to make it feel bigger than it is. Fortunately, the current cut is lean, wasting little time on setup and more on getting things done. There are gaps, but the story doesn’t feel hollow skipping to the good parts. Let’s not even get into the fact that things in these movies tend to explode whenever you push the “abort” button. G.I Joe could easily carry on a few more films like this, especially how quickly they’re killing off the cast list (which never happened in the cartoon). When do you suppose Cobra Commander will realize all he has to do is wait out a couple of movies until there are no Joe’s left? COBRA!

(a three skull recommendation out of four)

Small time carnival con-man and magician Oz (James Franco) dreams of greatness but has a small-time mentality (not to mention a weakness for pretty faces). When circumstances force him into a hot air balloon that gets sucked up by a tornado, he is transported to a magical land that bears his name: Oz. There he meets Theodora (Mila Kunis), a beautiful young woman who claims to be a witch. Mistaking Oz for a great wizard from another land, she offers to lead him to the Emerald City and become their king. Theodora’s sister and fellow witch, Evanora (Rachel Weisz), clarifies that the offer of kingship is dependant upon Oz destroying “the wicked witch” who dwells in the Dark Forest. While Oz initially views the enchanted land as a simple place ripe for the plucking, he soon learns from a third witch named Glenda (Michelle Williams) that little is as it seems and hell hath no fury like a witch gone wicked.

There were concerns when Sam Raimi tapped “toker” James Franco (famous for his stoner roles) for the title character of a prequel to The Wizard of Oz, but the actor not only shows up but stands up to the demands of the role. While the original film was all practical effects and camera tricks, this new Land of Oz is brought to life through computer wizardry, and it’s quite a challenge for any actor to carry a scene alone against imaginary characters (hold up; maybe this was genius casting on Raimi’s part). Mix in three amazing actresses to play the witches opposite our heroic fake wizard and the scene is set for an enchanting film standing wholly on its own while effectively previewing the movie that inspired it.

While the main story (and overall theme) deals with discovering one’s own inner worth, the subplot concerning the relationship between Oz’s three resident witches is just as interesting, especially in how it affects Oz himself. Michelle Williams portrays Glenda with poise and grace while still projecting guile, wisdom, and strength. Rachel Weisz’s take on Evanora is a bit one-dimensional, but her role is pivotal to Mila Kunis’s convincing character arc. There are nods to the original film through out the production, from a faithful recreation of iconic set pieces to showing how many things in the Land of Oz came to be. As expected, Raimi also continues to echo his own work where appropriate; the cemetery in the Dark Forest looks like the perfect resting place for the necronomicon, while both Ted Raimi and Bruce Campbell get their usual cameo due.

Clocking in at a little over two hours, the fast-paced ending more than makes up for a slower first half. There is enough space left to squeeze out another adventure or two between this and the original film that inspired it, but this installment is very complete exactly as is. The romance and action is mostly rated G, but there are a few darker areas (up to and including Mila Kunis’s painted-on leather pants when she first appears) that warrant a PG rating even for a family friendly film. The computer imagery enhances more than it detracts, framing locations in ways the original film could not while still retaining the intimacy of a stage-set production. Sam Raimi has managed to recapture the feel and charm of the original Wizard of Oz while utilizing all of the refinements modern audiences expect from their spectacle films, and that may be the greatest compliment of all.

(a three and a half skull recommendation out of four)

Jordan (Halle Berry) is a 911 operator at “the hive,” a nickname given to the Los Angeles police dispatch facility that coordinates all emergency services for the area. When a teenager calls in to report an attempted break-in, Jordan does her best to help the young woman evade the assailant while police are on route. When the connection is lost at a critical moment, her return call results in the teen’s death. Six months later, Jordan has left the phones to teach new hires the ropes. An act of fate pits Jordan not only against her fears of making another fatal mistake but against the same murderer as well.

There’s nothing wrong with a great crime thriller any more than with a great revenge flick, but problems can arise when you blend the two. The Call puts you in the passenger seat of a high-pressure job: taking emergency calls, collecting data, coordinating services, and keeping the caller calm. When the calls go from “my cat’s in a tree” and “where are my keys?” to actual emergencies, the shift in urgency is palatable and real. It’s what happens in the third act that derails the film almost to the point of criminal neglect, and the first two acts really deserved a better ending.

“The hive” sounds a bit too good to be true. The state-of-the-art call center screams Last Action Hero high-tech, and even besides the fact that it’s too clean, too organized, and too spacious, the 911 dispatch center of LA would never, ever look conveniently empty while our hero secretly works off the clock (because criminals and emergencies never happen during certain times of day). The entire setting has an NCIS MTAC vibe, as if emergencies don’t stand a chance against a television show set. Also, it’s also highly unlikely that the local beat cops (read: non-operators) would have access to a building so supposedly secure (because all cops are honest and are allowed to be everywhere).

All fun aside, this isn’t the issue. It’s when the cops come up empty and our heroine inexplicably sets out on her own, and mistakes upon mistakes pile up. If it was supposed to be nail-biting, it’s also just as frustrating, like screaming at the screen “what the hell?!” frustrating. When the story concludes, the audience will understand the real reason the character made these choices before making the Holy Mother of God of all movie mistakes purely for sequel purposes. While it’s meant to be empowering, it comes off as both out of character and foolish.

The acting was fine and the production looks good; it’s just a poor ending to an interesting premise. There were plenty of ways the filmmakers could have fixed this, but it seems the intent of whomever wrote the script or had final cut that this is the way it was meant to go. While it’s one thing to suggest that it’s all about victims taking back power, the final resolution is insultingly foolhardy. Seriously, guys, the only thing worse than pulling the final punch of a crime thriller crossing over into a revenge flick would have been showing the script cover to The Call 2: Aftercall at the end the credits.

(a two skull recommendation out of four)

In the town of New Holland (looking eerily like the sanitized suburb from Edward Scissorhands), a young boy named Victor (voice of Charlie Tahan) loses his beloved dog, Sparky, in an accident. On the eve of an upcoming science fair, his new science teacher, Mr. Rzykruski (voice of Martin Landau channeling Vincent Price), indirectly suggests to him that electricity might hold the key to restoring his dog to life. The experiment is a success, but New Holland is a who’s who of future mad scientists, and a breakthrough on how to reanimate dead pets isn’t going to remain a secret for long.

There’s a lot to love about the works of Tim Burton. From The Nightmare Before Christmas to Alice In Wonderland, his singular dark-and-twisty view of the world is a wonder to behold. Unfortunately, it’s rare that image and setting can carry a film all on its own; in fact, Beetlejuice is one of the actual few examples of any movie getting away this. The problem is that there’s a better version of Frankenweenie already in existence (it’s in the extras of most copies of Nightmare), and this stop-motion version seems to borrow from not only Burton’s own work but every other classic work of black and white horror as well. It could be argued that Frankenweenie is a love-letter to Burton fans, but the finished product looks very weak directly compared to the sheer brilliance of the similarly themed ParaNorman.

The first problem is the setting itself, a static Scissorhands’s suburbia that turns into a stormridden Frankenburg each night. Whoever heard of an entire middle school class that’s actually excited to compete and win at a science fair? Adding in a Vincent Price clone as a catalyst seems redundant other than a single plot point, and the very idea that Victor’s father insists he try out for baseball in order to enter the science fair (really?) seems even more ridiculous considering how many eggheads are on the aforementioned team. Forgiving all of this, the film then takes a completely bizarre turn in the last act, invoking everything from Godzilla to The Wizard of Oz to mine for pointless monsters. While there’s nothing wrong with derivative works, Frankenweenie feels tired with been-there-seen-that rather than actually paying homage to the work. It feels like what it is: a padded short story that didn’t require embellishment.

Dark Shadows had already come out (and quickly went) by the time this film appeared. ParaNorman also came out over a month ahead of Frankenweenie and didn’t even have the advantage of being a Halloween release to help bolster an audience. Perhaps the problem is that Burton is revisiting familiar territory when he should be looking for the seed of inspiration. Neither remaking other people’s intellectual properties nor his own has fared well, but Alice In Wonderland appeared to work because it was inspired by its namesake rather than being just another rehash of it. If Burton continues on his current course, it’ll be a lot harder to please his fan base when the studios refuse to fit the bill.

(a one and a half skull recommendation out of four)

It is a period of civil war. The sixteenth President of the United States, Abraham Lincoln (Daniel Day-Lewis), is under pressure to end the American conflict. His desire to pass a 13th amendment to the US Constitution and abolish slavery for all time can’t be won if the Southern states rejoin the union and block the vote. Even the threat of the amendment brings the South to the bargaining table with a willingness to end the war, but if the amendment doesn’t pass now, it might never come up again. If it passes in spite of the war raging on, it could restore freedom to the galaxy….

Steven Spielberg, only you could be so bold. Let’s be honest: Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter had more to do with the life of Lincoln than this. That said, however, it is an intriguing by-the-numbers account (however dramatized) of the political machine in motion, specifically in the maneuvers required to get an amendment passed in the wake of compromise. Anyone familiar with the musical 1776 knows that the slavery issue has been batted about since the birth of the United States (or, you know, if you read history books or whatnot), but it was tabled then to ensure the South would band together with the Northern states to throw Britain out of the colonies. If you thought the politics and lobbying to get legislation passed is tough these days, get a load of how it was done in 1864.

The standout performance isn’t Daniel Day-Lewis as Lincoln (despite every attempt to convince the Golden Globes and Oscars otherwise). Two standout performances make this film worth watching: James Spader as W.N. Bilbo and Tommy Lee Jones as Thaddeus Stevens. Spader is unrecognizable in character, but his performance is electrifying, stealing almost every moment he’s on-screen (who knew, right?) Not to be outdone, Tommy Lee Jones delivers both snark and thought-provoking speeches to his peers that both offend and convince. Compared to Daniel Day-Lewis’s weird-voiced Lincoln and the unhistoric whining of Sally Field’s Mary Todd, these performances are a wonderful, hopeful contrast to the every Lincoln scene and especially when Mrs. and Mrs. Lincoln start fighting (whatever happened to “the great romance of their age?”)

Pushing this film as merely “Lincoln” is something of an injustice to the man himself, as if audiences wouldn’t have any interest in the actual story of the film. It’s long but purposeful, the kind of film that will probably be mandatory viewing in high school history classes after it hits shelves. With so many facts and characters to get through to make the film’s point, the emphasis on overportraying Lincoln’s role in the political drama is a distraction. This is the same thing that undermined the film Milk when it couldn’t stop waiving a rainbow flag long enough to tell audiences more about the man than his sexual orientation. In a more modern context, this is what also underwhelmed the film Flight in spite of hiring Denzel Washington to shore up a flimsy, predictable, and exploitive script. It’s a bit sad when an alternative history horror film like Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter hits the highlights of a great man more than a film that bears his name.

(a two skull recommendation out of four)