Undercover Blues (1993)
Jeff Blue: [answering phone] Y-ello.
Muerte: This is Blue?
Jeff Blue: Speaking…
Muerte: Do you remember me?
Jeff Blue: Well, you have a really sexy voice. But hey, I’m a happily married man.
Muerte: Well, you’ll be a dead man soon.
Jeff Blue: [laughing] Who is this again?
Muerte: This is Muerte.
Jeff Blue: Morty!
Muerte: No! No Morty! MUERTE! “DEATH”!
Jeff Blue: Yeah right, death…
Muerte: That’s right. I’m gonna come for you man. I’m gonna come for you, and I’m gonna kill you, okay and…
Jeff Blue: Hey hey hey Morty, Morty, Morty, it’s late. What’s the bottom line here?
Muerte: The bottom line? The bottom line is you’re gonna die man… Ugly, okay?
Jeff Blue: Look Morty, do me a favor, okay? Don’t call here any more unless you want to have, like, a serious conversation, alright?
[hangs up on him]
Muerte: My name… is MUERTE!
Jeff: Nice to meet you Morty, my name is Jeff.
Muerte: My name is Muerte, my name is death!
Muerte: My name is MORTY!
Paulina Novacek: Take his gag off.
Muerte: My name is Morty!
Jeff Blue: Muerte.
Muerte: I kill you.
Paulina Novacek: Enough! Somebody find out who this man is and then kill him!
Jeff Blue: Oh, hi, Morty.
Muerte: Muerte. MUERTE! For death! You die today!
Jeff Blue: Right.
[Muerte begins to make some very elaborate moves while holding a knife]
Jeff Blue: You know that looks really great on TV, but in real life you get better results if you just kind of hold it like this and…
Muerte: Shut up! SHUT UP!
Jeff Blue: Do you always have this much problem with a little constructive criticism?
Jane Blue: [Muerte has been disarmed and Jeff has his arm in a hold when Jane approaches them, carrying shopping bags] Now what?
Jeff Blue: Oh, hi, hon. You remember, I told you about Morty. Morty, this is Jane.
[pushes Muerte towards Jane]
Jane Blue: Oh, hi, Morty, look it’s nice to meet you, but we’ve just got so much shopping to do…
Muerte: [pulls another switchblade from his boot and points it at her] Shut up! Shut up! You die too!
Jane Blue: Oh for God’s sakes…
Jane Blue: [while Meurte is floating on a life saver in the ocean] Can I get you anything? Coffee? Tea?
Muerte: [considers the offer] No, no, I’m fine, thank you.
Jeff Blue: [while Muerte is in a tree in an aligator pit wearing only his shirt and socks] Tell you what, you wait here. I’ll go for help.
Muerte: No, no, Blue, don’t leave me!
Jeff Blue: Can I get you anything, Morty? Coffee? Tea?
Muerte: Coffee? Tea? No, no, I’m fine. Just get me the hell out of here!
Jeff Blue: Ta-ta.
Muerte: Ta-ta! Good-bye! Thank you!
Jeff Blue: [last lines – on the boat] Which way is Cuba?
Muerte: [in the water] No, no, that’s the wrong way! Please, come back! No, the land is back there behind you! Where are you going? Blue, no!
Paulina Novacek: So, Mr. Muerte…
Muerte: Excuse me please, no “Mister,” is “Muerte.”
Bar Patron: Hey Muerte, you lookin’ pretty banged up.
Muerte: Yeah? Well you should see the other guys! 50 guys, with chains, and dogs, you should see what they look like!
Bar Patron: That ain’t what I heard at all. I heard it was one guy, with a cute little tiny baby! Ha Ha Ha!
[bar patrons laugh with him]
Bar Patron: Which one was it who did this to you, Muerte? Was it the guy, or that cute little tiny baby! Ha Ha Ha!
Muerte: [grabs the patron by the back of the head and smashes it down on the bar, breaking his beer glass on his face]
Bar Patron: Aaaahhhhhh! Owwwwwwww!
[screaming in pain]
Muerte: My name is Muerte! My name is Death!
[gets up and starts to storm out of the bar, then turns around]
Muerte: Don’t you forget that! Scumhooks!
Jane Blue: [Jane, disguised as the bag lady sits next to Muerte at the bar] I know you!
Muerte: Everybody know me! I am Muerte!
Jane Blue: You’re the guy that got stomped, by that guy and the baby! Heh Heh!
Muerte: Hey! Don’t provoke me! OK?
Jane Blue: You wanna get back at him? I know someone who will pay big!
Muerte: You don’t know nada.
Jane Blue: OK! I don’t know *nada*. But this guy, said *Muerte*, he’s the guy for the job!
[starts to get up]
[grabs Jane by the arm forcing her to sit back down]
Muerte: Who told you this?
Jane Blue: You gotta buy me a drink first.
Muerte: What would you like?
The Seventh Seal (1957)
Antonius Block: Nothing escapes you!
Death: Nothing escapes me. No one escapes me.
Antonius Block: Who are you?
Death: I am Death.
Antonius Block: Have you come for me?
Death: I have long walked by your side.
Antonius Block: So I have noticed.
Death: Are you ready?
Antonius Block: My body is ready, but I am not.
Death: Don’t you ever stop asking?
Antonius Block: No. I never stop.
Death: But you’re not getting an answer.
[Death approaches Antonius Block]
Antonius Block: Wait a moment.
Death: You all say that. But I grant no reprieves.
[Antonius Block lets Death choose which chess pieces to play]
Antonius Block: You drew black.
Death: Appropriate, don’t you think?
[Jonas Skat is in a tree which Death is cutting down]
Jonas Skat: Hey, you scurvy knave, what are you doing with my tree? You might at least answer. Who are you?
Death: I’m felling your tree. Your time is up.
Jonas Skat: You can’t. I haven’t time.
Death: So you haven’t time?
Jonas Skat: No. My performance…
Death: Cancelled… because of Death.
Antonius Block: I want knowledge! Not faith, not assumptions, but knowledge. I want God to stretch out His hand, uncover His face and speak to me.
Death: But He remains silent.
Antonius Block: I call out to Him in the darkness. But it’s as if no one was there.
Death: Perhaps there isn’t anyone.
Antonius Block: Then life is a preposterous horror. No man can live faced with Death, knowing everything’s nothingness.
Death: Most people think neither of death nor nothingness.
Antonius Block: But one day you stand at the edge of life and face darkness.
Death: That day.
Antonius Block: I understand what you mean.
Death: Ingenting undgår mig. Ingen undgår mig.
Death: When next we meet, the hour will strike for you and your friends.
Antonius Block: And will you reveal your secrets?
Death: I have no secrets.
Antonius Block: So do you know nothing?
Death: I am unknowing.
Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey (1991)
Grim Reaper: Don’t overlook *my* butt, I work out all the time. And reaping burns a lot of calories.
Grim Reaper: I believe Colonel Mustard did it in the study with the candlestick.
Dead Bill: Sorry, Death, you lose! It was Professor Plum!
Grim Reaper: I said Plum!
Dead Ted: No way! You said Mustard! Can we go back now?
Grim Reaper: Uh, best three out of five!
Dead Ted: I don’t believe this guy!
Grim Reaper: [to The Smoker] See you real soon.
Grim Reaper: A hit. You have sank my battleship!
Dead Bill, Dead Ted: Excellent! Yeah!
Dead Ted: I totally knew he put it in the J’s, dude!
Dead Bill: Good thinking, Ted.
Grim Reaper: You must play me again.
Dead Bill: WHAT?
Grim Reaper: Um, best two out of three.
Dead Ted: No way!
Grim Reaper: Yes way.
Grim Reaper: [rapping] You might be a king or a little street sweeper, but sooner or later you dance with the reaper.
[Twirls Scythe over his head and ducks so blade doesn’t hit it]
Grim Reaper: Heh heh! Get down with your bad self!
Dead Bill: Best of seven?
Grim Reaper: DAMN RIGHT!
Dead Bill: Ted?
Dead Ted: What?
Dead Bill: Don’t “Fear the Reaper”!
[both of them do an air guitar]
Grim Reaper: I heard that.
Grim Reaper: [to God] They Melvined me.
Grim Reaper: You have sunk my battleship.
“Supernatural: Two Minutes to Midnight (#5.21)” (2010)
Death: This is one little planet in one tiny solar system in a galaxy that’s barely out of its diapers. I’m old, Dean. Very old. So I invite you to contemplate how insignificant I find you.
Dean Winchester: I gotta ask, how old are you?
Death: As old as God. Maybe older. Neither of us can remember anymore. Life, death, chicken, egg – regardless, at the end, I’ll reap Him too.
Dean Winchester: God? You’ll reap God?
Death: Oh, yes. God will die too, Dean.
Dean Winchester: …This is way above my pay grade.
Death: Just a bit.
Dean Winchester: What about Chicago?
Death: I suppose it can stay. I like the pizza.
Death: …Life, death; chicken, egg… Regardless of the end, I’ll reap him, too.
Dean Winchester: God? You’ll reap God?
Death: Oh, yes. God will die too, Dean.
Death: Sit down. It took you long enough to find me. I’ve been wanting to talk to you.
Dean Winchester: [Fearful, cautious] I gotta say… mixed feelings about that. So, is this the part where…
[Clears his throat]
Dean Winchester: where you kill me?
[He tries to smile bravely]
Death: [Gives Dean a long look as Dean’s smiles disappears. Very measured and calm] You have an inflated sense of your importance. To a thing like me, a thing like you, well… Think how you’d feel if a bacteria sat at your table and started to get snarky. This is one little planet in one tiny solar system in a galaxy that’s barely out of its diapers. I’m old, Dean. Very old. So, I invite you to contemplate how insignificant I find you.
Death: [Serves Dean a slice of pizza] Eat.
[Very slowly, afraid it might be poisoned… or worse, Dean takes a bite]
Death: Good. Isn’t it?
[Dean looks at him, then down as his eyebrows briefly go up in surprise because, yes, it is good]
Dean Winchester: So, why am I still breathing? Sitting here with you… what do you want?
Death: [He shows the first spark of emotion] The leash around my neck, off! Lucifer has me bound to him. Some unseemly little spell. He has me where he wants, when he wants. That’s why I couldn’t go to you. I had to wait for you to catch up. He’s made me his weapon. Hurricanes. Floods. Raising the dead. I’m more powerful than you can process, and I’m enslaved to a bratty child having a tantrum.
Dean Winchester: And you think… *I* can unbind you?
Death: There’s your ridiculous bravado again. Of course, you can’t. But, you can help take the bullets out of Lucifer’s gun.
[Holds up his hand with his ring]
Death: I understand you want this.
Dean Winchester: Yeah.
Death: I’m inclined to give it to you.
Dean Winchester: To give it to me.
Death: That’s what I said.
Dean Winchester: What about… Chicago?
Death: [pauses as lightning strikes outside] I suppose it can stay. I like the pizza.
[He takes off the ring]
Death: There are conditions.
Dean Winchester: Okay. Like?
Death: You have to do whatever it takes to put Lucifer in his cell.
Dean Winchester: Of course.
Death: *Whatever* it takes.
Dean Winchester: That’s the plan.
Death: No. No plan. Not yet. Your brother? He’s the one that can stop Lucifer. The *only* one.
Dean Winchester: What, you think…
Death: I know. So I need a promise. You’re going to let your brother jump right into that fiery pit.
[He extends the ring to Dean as Dean’s face hardens]
Death: Well, do I have your word?
Dean Winchester: [pauses, looking at the ring] Okay, yeah. Yes.
[He holds out his hand]
Death: [Forcefully] That better be yes, Dean. You know you can’t cheat Death.
[He drops the ring into Dean’s hand]
“Family Guy: Death Is a Bitch (#2.6)” (2000)
Death: I’m Calista Flockhart. Who do you think I am? I’m death.
Meg Griffin: [Death eats an entire piece of chicken in one bite] Wow. How did you do that?
Death: Well lets just say I did some films when I was younger that I’m not really proud of.
Death: [car is shown rocking with Death and girl having sex inside] Oh yes. Oh yes!
Girl: Oh oh oh oh yes…
[girl dies due to Death touching her]
Death: Oh man! Not again! I’m going to be a virgin for ever… or am I?
[car starts rocking again]
Death: Wait, don’t tell anyone I’m here. For if humanity discovers that I am no longer lurking in the shadows, the consequences will be dire.
Peter Griffin: Go on…
Death: That’s it, what the hell do you see in him?
Death: You can’t tell anyone that I’m here. For if you do, the consequences could be dire.
Peter Griffin: Go on…
Death: That’s it.
Death: God, what do you see in him?
Meg Griffin: You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me.
Death: Well that would just leave England.
Too Tired to Die (1998)
Death: He said that you stopped him for no reason.
Kenji: No reason? No, I saw him in my dreams. And you… Who are you?
Death: I… I am…
Young Arab: Chukhram.
Death: He also wants to thank you.
Kenji: Thank me? For what?
Death: He’s been running all his life. He must have been tired. We must go.
Kenji: Wait wait wait. I don’t get it, okay?
Death: [smirking] How do you want me to disappear?
Death: Never mind. I’ll see you.
[gives Kenji a kiss on the cheek]
White Soldier: You okay, madame?
White Soldier: Something bothering you?
Death: You know why I like young people?
White Soldier: Because they’re young?
Death: Because it’s such a challenge. There’s such a strong will to resist me. I mean some of them pretend I don’t even exist for them. So I wait patiently for time to pass. Usually they give in and embrace me.
White Soldier: Unless there’s a war or a plague or something.
Death: Exactly. Still I feel heartbroken taking away the young ones. I mean, they make such beautiful plans for their lives you know? They’re always asking me, who gets to decide who stays longer and who has to go, but… that’s not my business.
White Soldier: Wow… touching. You’re not the heartless bitch I thought you were.
Kenji: [is awoken by Death] No…
Kenji: So this is it. You’re here finally for me now.
Death: You know who I am? You’re not afraid of me?
Kenji: Can you come back a little later? I need some more sleep.
Death: I came here to tell you that I’ve got to pick you up tonight.
Death: Nine p.m. sharp.
Death: Don’t even think of trying to escape me, that is a game you will never win. So just enjoy it while you can. I didn’t have to do this. I mean I could have just have come tonight to pick you up, nine pm, and you would have been really sorry for yourself because you wouldn’t be able to do anything. By telling you now it’s as though I’ve given you 12 free hours. So go out and live a little. Do whatever you’ve always wanted to do, because it’s not gonna come back.
[kisses Kenji on the lips]
Death: I’ll see you tonight.
“Married with Children: Take My Wife, Please (#8.7)” (1993)
[the hooded Grim Reaper materialized before Al]
Al Bundy: How’d you do that?
The Grim Reaper: I’m Death. That’s the first thing they teach you in Death School. Got to have a gimmick.
[Al puts his hand on the hooded figure, and it goes right through the non-corporeal Grim Reaper]
Al Bundy: Hey, you are Death!
The Grim Reaper: OOOOOH, you found my G-spot.
[the Grim Reaper reveals itself as Peggy]
The Grim Reaper: This? I though that might get you. Actually, I can look any way I want. I can be your greatest fantasy. I can be your worst nightmare. I could be my worst nightmare. But who’d want to go around looking like Sally Struthers?
The Grim Reaper: Any time between now and midnight, if any member of your family says that they need you in any way, I’ll let you live.
Al Bundy: All my family has to do is say that they need me?
The Grim Reaper: That’s right.
Al Bundy: Just once?
The Grim Reaper: Just once.
Al Bundy: Oh… in that case, I’ll go back my suitcase.
Al Bundy: Suppose my family lets me down. Do you have any idea where I might be going after I die?
The Grim Reaper: Well, you might want to bring along a lot of sunblock lotion. SPF: one million.
Al Bundy: What?
The Grim Reaper: I’m just kidding. Maybe…
Al Bundy: Oh, please! Please don’t take me! I didn’t mean it when I wished I was dead. Well, maybe I wished I was dead once or twice… or maybe a hundred times, but I didn’t mean it. It’s like you don’t mean something when you say it like “I love you” or “I wish I was dead”. Why don’t you take someone that really deserves to die like Michael Bolton, or that guy who wrote the Facts of Life theme song?
The Grim Reaper: I knew it! Another wimp chickening out in the face of eternal darkness. I didn’t have this kind of problem with Elvis.
Al Bundy: Elvis? Elvis Presley? So, it’s true? Elvis really is…
The Grim Reaper: Oh, please! Of course Elvis is dead. Did you know it took six men to get him out of there? He was so big that they had to take the bathroom door off it’s hinges. As they were carring him out on a strecher they kept sliping on Ding-Dongs and Ho-Ho’s all the way out, adding to the big mess all over the bathroom floor. You wouldn’t lick the back of one of his postage stamps if you saw what I saw.
“The Color of Magic” (2008)
Death: Don’t mind me. I’ve got a book to read.
Death: I was at a party, you know.
Trymon: I hope it’s a good party!
Death: I think it might go downhill at midnight.
Death: That’s when they think I’ll be taking my mask off.
Death: Your lifetime is up, Rincewind. I can’t hang around all day.
Rincewind: I can. What have you done with the tourist?
Death: Nothing. He was lured by the attraction of the Wyrmberg.
Rincewind: So at least the Patrician won’t be sending out his men to kill me just yet then?
Death: There is a distinct possibility that he may not need to.
Rincewind: What are you grinning at?
Death: Oh, I’m sorry. I can’t help it. Now, would you be so kind as to let go? It won’t hurt.
Rincewind: Being torn to pieces by wolves won’t hurt?
Death: It would be over very quickly. And of course, they are an endangered species.
Death: I think I’ve just had another Near Rincewind Experience.
“Supernatural: Appointment in Samarra (#6.11)” (2010)
[Death has proposed building a “wall” in Sam’s mind to protect him from memories of being in hell]
Dean Winchester: Okay, a wall. Sounds good.
Tessa: But it’s not permanent.
Death: She’s right. Nothing lasts forever. Well, I do.
Dean Winchester: What’s the bet?
Death: Don’t roll your eyes, Dean. It’s impolite. Now when you fetch my ring, put it on.
Dean Winchester: What?
Death: I want you to be me for one day.
Dean Winchester: Are you serious?
Death: No, I’m being incredibly sarcastic.
Dean Winchester: What’s with you and the cheap food?
Death: I could ask you the same thing.
Death: This is hard for you, Dean. You throw away your life because you’ve come to assume that it’ll bounce right back into your lap. The human soul is not a rubber ball. It’s vulnerable, impermanent, but stronger than you know… and more valuable than you can imagine.
“Medium: Death Takes a Policy (#2.21)” (2006)
Angel of Death: There’s an old saying the enemies of Death are Luck and Hope. Not true by the way, I’m good friends with both.
Angel of Death: Alison, like it or not, by a hair, by a second, by luck, by fate, six times a day you come this close to meeting the God to whom you pray.
Allison Dubois: I didn’t realise that someone had passed away. I’m not really fond of funerals, I deal with death a lot in my work.
Angel of Death: Me too.
Angel of Death: Be careful, bathrooms can be very dangerous places. Did you know, that 47% of all accidental deaths take place in the home, and that 61% of those happen in the family bathroom?
The Meaning of Life (1983)
Grim Reaper: Englishmen, you’re all so fucking pompous. None of you have got any balls.
Grim Reaper: Shut up, you American. You Americans, all you do is talk, and talk, and say “let me tell you something” and “I just wanna say.” Well, you’re dead now, so shut up.
Grim Reaper: I AM DEATH!
Guest #4: Well, that’s cast a gloom over the evening…
Grim Reaper: You are all dead. I am Death.
Host: Well, that’s cast rather a gloom over the evening, hasn’t it?
“The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy: Attack of the Clowns/Complete and Utter Chaos! (#3.13)” (2004)
Grim: Billy, de apple wouldn’t pick you if you were a booger.
Grim: Give me that apple. Don’t force me to use my kung fu.
[Mandy has poured Grim, piece by piece, out of her backpack]
Grim: [annoyed] Okay, we need to talk about this backpack thing. It’s very demeaning.
[all of his bones form back together into his old self and his robe appears on his body]
Grim: I’m the Grim Reaper, for goodness sake.
[he takes out his scythe]
Grim: I used to have a chariot of 400 burning horses. My arrival on the scene would be a raging thunderclap of fear!
[Mandy walks away to Billy’s house and Grim follows]
Grim: Now it’s, “Hey, have you seen Grim?” “Yeah, I think he’s wedged between a history textbook and a tuna fish sandwich.”
[they enter the house, passing Billy who is watching TV and yelling “Destroy us all!” repeatedly, eventually arriving in the basement where Grim’s trunk is]
Grim: And I’m pretty sure the guys in the underworld accounting are laughing at me behind my back. Those guys are turbo-nerds! I bet none of them had a date since the 1800s.
[he looks down into the ground]
Grim: Hear that, you dateless turbo-nerds? I’m on to you! Hmph!
Last Action Hero (1993)
Death: I don’t do fiction. Not my field.
Death: [looking down at a wounded Jack Slater] I was only curious, he’s not on any of my lists.
Death: [turns to Danny] but *you* are… Daniel.
Danny Madigan: Now?
Death: No, you die a grandfather…
Death: [to Danny] You’re very brave. But also not very bright. If I were you, I’d be looking for the other half of the ticket.
“The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy: Meet the Reaper/Evil Con Carne/Skeletons in the Water Closet (#1.1)” (2001)
Grim: [about taking Billy’s hamster to the underworld] Look, I’m just doing my job… but I’m afraid it’s curtains for Mr. Snuggles…
Billy: You got a curtain?
Billy: [meeting the Grim Reaper] It’s Santa! Santa Claus!
Mandy: That’s not Santa Claus, you stooge! That’s the Grim Reaper…
Billy: [pause] Do I still get presents?
Grim: Um… No… Actually, I’m here for the hamster…
Billy: Ooooh! You brought presents for Mr. Snuggles?
Grim: No… I’m taking him away.
Billy: To the North Pole?
Billy: Look! It’s Santa! Santa Claus!
Mandy: That’s not Santa, you stooge. That’s the Grim Reaper.
Billy: …Do I still get presents?
Grim: Um… no… actually, I’m here for the hamster.
Billy: Oh boy, oh boy! You brought presents for Mr. Snuggles?
Grim: No… I’m taking him away.
Billy: To the North Pole?
Grim: No. I’m… ”
[Mr. Snuggles bites Grim]
Grim: ” Ah! Oof! Oof! Look, I’m just doing me job, but I’m afraid its curtains for Mr. Snuggles.
Billy: …You got him curtains?
Mandy: You’ll have to forgive Billy – he’s an idiot.
King’s Quest VI: Heir Today, Gone Tomorrow (1992) (VG)
[Alexander must tell the Lord of the Dead a story which will make him weep]
Prince Alexander: Perhaps, a tale of my love?
Lord of the Dead: There is nothing you can say of love that will make me cry, mortal. I have had Cleopatra and Helen of Troy stand before me, and they moved me not. Your common desires mean nothing to me.
[Alexander, King Caliphim and Queen Allaria are about to leave the Land of the Dead]
Lord of the Dead: Until we meet again, mortal. I assure you, we WILL meet again.
Prince Alexander: No offense, my lord, but I hope that is many long years from now.
Lord of the Dead: It is never as long as you might wish, mortal. Now begone.
Lord of the Dead: Your challenge is this: for thousands of years I have sat upon this throne. I have heard every sad tale that can be told by human lips. I have seen tragedies that ended empires, injustices that defy reason, love that would light the very stars turned cold and hard. I have seen torments that cannot possibly be borne and yet must be – for centuries. This thing I have never done: I have never shed a tear. Make me cry, thou “man of flesh”. *That* is my challenge.
“The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy: House of Pain/Grim Prophecy, A/Mandy Bites Dog (#3.4)” (2004)
Grim: My name is Grimmy and I’ve come to reap your immortal soul.
Grim: Cerberus is a monster! He didn’t just eat my homework; he ate me dad!
Grim: [as a child, before becoming the Grim Reaper, as per his mother’s wish] I don’t want to be the Grim Reaper. I just want to sing, and IIII-IIII will!
Grim’s Dad: Enough! You’ll do what your mother tells you. Singing is for birds and sissies.
Six-String Samurai (1998)
Death: Only one man can kill this many Russians. Bring his guitar to me!
Buddy: Who are you?
Death: You have failed me for the last… nice shoes!
“Soul Music” (1997)
Death: I need to imbibe vast ammounts of alcohol.
Death: I shall leave your room exactly as you left it…
Susan Sto Helit: Thank you.
Death: …- a *mess*!
Death: Oh… bugger!
The Witcher (2007) (VG)
King of the Wild Hunt: Do not deny it, witcher. You are my greatest champion. A perfect means of destruction. Wherever you walk, death and chaos follow. Now, as was years ago, accept it. Do not fight it. Give up to me yet another man you destroyed.
King of the Wild Hunt: You want to fight me? So be it. Your flight from death ends here. Draw your sword.
Geralt of Rivia: I was afraid you’d suggest chess.
“The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy: Duck/Aren’t You Chupacabra to See Me? (#4.9)” (2005)
Grim: [a small monster has latched onto Billy’s head] I tink it’s tryin’ to suck his brains out, mon!
Mandy: Poor thing’s gonna starve.
Grim: [glances at Rudolpho] So, what are you… in for?
Rudolpho: I beat the snot out of a guy… for farting!
Grim: [looks down and spots the duck ready to blow a raspberry and calls desperately] Guard!
Rudolpho: Just the sound of it makes me so angry!
Grim: [more desperately] Guard!
Grim: [as desperate as possible] Guard!
Guard: [finally arrives] All right, Reaper, your bail is here.
Irwin: I came here as soon as I got the call, yo, Grim
Grim: [relieved sigh] I knew I could count on you, Irwin.
Irwin: [hands a piggy bank to the guard] Here you are, Officer.
Guard: Gee, thanks.
[throws the piggy bank across the room, breaking it]
Guard: How much was in that piggy bank?
Irwin: Four dollars and thirty-two cents.
Guard: So, you like to be a jokester, do ya, Mr. Funny Guy? Mr. Comedian, eh? Well, the bail is thirty-five hundred dollars!
Irwin: [sobbing] I was only trying to be helpful!
Guard: Now get out of my jail, out!
Irwin: [runs out, sobbing] Sorry, Grim!
Guard: I’d like to think I’d make a difference.
Irwin: That was wiggety-whack, yo.
[finds the duck]
Irwin: Hey, a duck!
Castlevania: Symphony of the Night (1997) (VG)
Death: Ah, Alucard… what is your business here?
Alucard: I’ve come to put an end to this.
Death: Still befriending mortals. I’ll not ask you to return to our side, but I demand you cease your attack!
Alucard: I will not!
Death: You shall regret those words. We’ll meet again!
Death: I will feast on your soul this night!
“Charmed: Death Takes a Halliwell (#3.16)” (2001)
The Angel of Death: [laughs incredulously] You still don’t get it do you? There’s nothing you can do.
Prue: I can’t just let an innocent man die!
The Angel of Death: You have to let him die, you have no choice. And until you can learn to accept that, you’ll just keep missing the bigger picture.
Prue: What bigger picture?
The Angel of Death: Here, I’ll show you.
[He extends his hand, which Prue regards warily. Death smiles slightly]
The Angel of Death: Oh, don’t worry: it’s not your time. Or not just yet, anyway.
[Prue takes Death’s hand and they vanish]
The Angel of Death: It’s the bigger picture, Prue. Focusing all your anger against me leaves you vulnerable to the real evils of this world. You’d do well to remember that in the future. What?
Prue: I don’t know. You know, I’ve been, I’ve been mad at you for so long, ever since mom died, I don’t know how else to be.
The Angel of Death: You grieve… and then you move on.
“The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy: Billy and Mandy Save Christmas (#5.7)” (2005)
Grim: How come every time I take you kids to the mall it burns to the ground?
Billy: I blame the economy.
Mandy: Grim, everyone knows that Santa is an invention designed by the big five corporations to sell tinsel and video games to an unsuspecting public.
Grim: The whole “childhood wonder” stage just blew right past you, didn’t it?
“The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy: Mortal Dilemma/Evil Goes Wild/Get Out of My Head! (#1.3)” (2001)
[Grim jumped into the body of a cat]
Grim: [sings] Look at me, I’m a kitty cat/I wear a bowl of peanuts for a hat/If I eat them all I will get fat/But look at me! I’m a kitty CAAAAAAAAAT!
[Grim takes over the body of Milkshakes, who is Billy’s cat]
Grim: [in Milkshakes; singing] Look at me, I’m a kitty cat / I wear a bowl of peanuts for a hat / If I eat them all, I will get fat / Blah, blah, blah, I’m a kitty caaaaat!
“Family Guy: Death Lives (#3.6)” (2001)
Death’s Mother: Death, put on your jacket or you’ll get frostbite!
Death: I don’t have skin!
Death’s Mother: That’s ’cause you didn’t eat your beans!
Death: This is why I hate shopping for clothes. I have no ass. I am minus an ass.
The Book of Life (2014)
Manolo: I know about the wager. Xibalba cheated!
La Muerte: He did what?
Manolo: Yeah! With a two-headed snake!
[La Muerte starts to boil with rage]
Candle Maker: [to Manolo, Carmen and Luis] You might wanna cover your ears right now.
La Muerte: [yelling with rage as her candles brightens the Land of the Forgotten] XIIIII… BAAAAL… BAAAAAAAA!
La Muerte: The world keeps spinning, and the tales keep turning, and people come and people go, but they’re never forgotten. And the one truth we know, it held true one more time… That love, true love, the really, really good kind of love never dies.
“The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy: Opposite Day/Emotional Skarr/Look Alive! (#1.2)” (2001)
[Billy and Grim walk to Mandy’s house]
Grim: I hate you, I hate playing with you, and I especially hate your little girlfriend!
Billy: Cheer up, Gri… hey! Mandy’s not my girlfriend! She’s just my FRIEND, who HAPPENS to be a girl, just like I HAPPEN to be a boy, and you HAPPEN to be a skeleton! It’s the differences that make our planet so rich! So diverse! And wonderful!
[Rainbows in background]
Grim: I still hate you, though.
“The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy: Grim for a Day/ChickenBall Z/Max Courage! (#2.9)” (2003)
Grim, The Grim Reaper: [Chicken Ball Z] I can’t believe I’m finally rid of those brats!
Eris: And I got to get jiggy with the chaos.
Grim, The Grim Reaper: Everyone wins!
Mandy: No, I win. And I want my $50,000!
Billy: And I want a snow cone!
“Saturday Night Live: Christopher Lee/Meat Loaf (#3.15)” (1978)
Penny: Once, I had a baby chick… it died. Last summer, I caught a frog… died. And then I had a hamster… died. Goldfish… died. Turtle… died.
Mr. Death: So I hate small animals! You can’t blame me for that.
“Kings: The Sabbath Queen (#1.8)” (2009)
King Silas Benjamin: You – you make the music that drives me mad.
Death: A gift; others meet me in silence. Out of deference to those who love you, I give warning.
King Silas Benjamin: You came for her; you cannot have her.
Death: Can’t I?
King Silas Benjamin: I was chosen by Him who made you and all things; leave us – you and your music.
Death: You can’t threaten me; He made death even outside his reach.
King Silas Benjamin: You like to see us suffer.
Death: It *is* beautiful to see – yours most of all. I come to you sometimes, Silas; I look at you.
King Silas Benjamin: Then make me suffer more. Give me pain – endless, endless pain; name the knife.
Death: For this life… I would see you lose what you love more – your crown.
King Silas Benjamin: It’s yours.
Death: Not for me.
King Silas Benjamin: Who, then? Anyone.
Death: Not anyone; to the better man. When he’s found, when he comes, you stand aside.
King Silas Benjamin: Yes.
Death: Willingly, freely; you support his succession – else I come for you, and you live to see your name be cursed, forgotten.
King Silas Benjamin: Yes.
Death: Swear it, before all.
King Silas Benjamin: Evermore.
Death: Seal the contract.
[she tears the last pages from the book Silas has been reading to Michelle; he smashes the mirror and marks the pages with his bloody hand]
Death: You’ll wish I’d taken her; you’ll beg to change now.
“The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy: Prank Call of Cthulu (#5.6)” (2005)
Mandy: Your nose looks like some sort of cuttlefish.
Billy: Chicks dig cuttlefish.
Mandy: And your mouth looks like a big, disgusting sucker.
Billy: Chicks dig…
Grim: Don’t go there!
“The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy: Nursery Crimes/My Peeps (#3.5)” (2004)
Billy: [about the eye doctor] He’s going to steal my soul!
Grim: Well, if he doesn’t, I get second dibs.
“Supernatural: Meet the New Boss (#7.1)” (2011)
Death: Nice pickle chips, by the way.
Because I Could Not Stop for Death (2014)
Only Human (2009/III)
Death: Sooner or later everything dies, and is eventually forgotten.
Antonio: That’s what I’m trying to change.
Saints Row: The Third (2011) (VG)
Boss: A fucking tiger?
Angel de la Muerte: If you’re fighting the Luchadores, you need to be ready for anything.
Boss: A fucking tiger?
Angel de la Muerte: Don’t lost the message in the method. You mastered your fear.
Boss: What the fuck is wrong with you?
“The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy: Night of Living Grim/Brown Evil/Brown Evil: Part 2 (#2.2)” (2003)
Mandy: It’s Hoss Delgado!
Grim: It’s Hoss Delgado.
Billy: It’s Pat the Baker!
D.C. Cab (1983)
Tyrone: Where to?
Angel of Death: I am the Angel of Death. Take me to hell.
Tyrone: Got any luggage?
De Düva: The Dove (1968)
Death: [shaking fist at dove, after having been splattered with dove droppings; in parody Swedish] Duva shmucka!
“The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy: Wrath of the Spider Queen (#7.9)” (2007)
[Billy has summoned an annoyed Grim to school]
Grim: Honestly, Billy, you bring me to school with you every day. I bet I know more about the metric system than you!
Billy: Oh, yeah? Then what’s the *capital* of the metric system?
“The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy: Happy Huggy Stuffy Bears/Secret Decoder Ring (#4.4)” (2005)
[Grim is slicing off the heads of all the Happy Huggy Stuffy Bears]
Grim, The Grim Reaper: [singing] One little, two little, three headless huggy bears, four little, five little, six headless huggy bears, seven little, eight little, nine headless huggy bears, and I still have a million to go!
Grim, The Grim Reaper: Ah, I haven’t had this much fun since the French Revolution.
An American Carol (2008)
Michael Malone: [misunderstanding his appearance] I always stood up for gay rights.
Angel of Death: I am the angel of freakin’ death, you turdhead.
“The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy: The Secret Snake Club (#4.1)” (2005)
Grim: [to Snake Club nerds] You disgust me. You’re all old enough to wear some deodorant. I’ve been trying not to vomit in my own mouth all day.
“Charmed: Apocalypse, Not (#2.21)” (2000)
Death: [the Four Horsemen are arguing] Are you looking for a fight?
Strife: [smiles] It’s my specialty.
“Charmed: Vaya Con Leos (#8.10)” (2005)
Angel of Death: I’m not about “why” or “how”, Piper. I’m simply “when”.
“American Horror Story: The Name Game (#2.10)” (2013)
Angel of Death: The devil is at Briarcliff in your favorite young nun. Guard your thoughts, use your rosary. Each bead is His name. This is your moment, Timothy.
“The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy: Keeper of the Reaper (#6.2)” (2006)
Billy: [singing] Please vote me the keeper of the reaper/ I wanna be the keeper of the reaper/ His skinny white bones are mine to own/ To do with as I see fit/ Give him to me and I promise my love won’t quit!
Mandy: I disagree ’bout the keeper of the reaper/ It should be me who’s the keeper of the reaper/ Grim’s not a toy for an idiot boy/ Who can’t even tie his shoes/ If Billy wins, then we all surely lose!
Grim, The Grim Reaper: Don’t *I* get a say about the keeper of the reaper?/ I’ll make you all pay for the keeper of the reaper!/ All my rage is bottled up in this cage/ Held back by these iron bars/ I’ll never get rid of these mental scars!
Judge Roy Spleen: I don’t care who’s the keeper of the reaper/ I’m losin’ my hair over keeper of the reaper/ A mountain of stress is crushing my chest/ I’m going blind in one eye/ And its all be-cause of that stupid guy!
Fred Fredburger: Don’t worry! I found some nachos! Yes.
[Judge Spleen hits him on the head with the gavel]
Fred Fredburger: OW!
Billy: [rapping] Time to make you ill, old school style!
[reverts back to singing]
Billy: Grim is the corner in my square!
Mandy: Grim’s the chocolate in my eclair.
Billy: Grim is the freshener in my air!
Mandy: Grim’s the conditioner in my hair.
Billy: GRIM’S THE PIC-A-NIC IN MY BEAR!
Mandy: Grim is the cushion in my chair.
Billy: Grim is the renaissance in my fair!
Mandy: Grim is the anger in my stare.
Billy: Grim is the stain in my underwear!
Mandy: Somehow I knew you were gonna go there.
“The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy: Lil’ Pork Chop/Skarred for Life (#3.3)” (2004)
Mandy: So, we were thinking of setting you free.
Billy: Yeah. All you gotta do is say you’re a little girl.
Grim: I’m… a little girl.
Mandy: I’m not sure I bought it.
Billy: Yeah! Are you a *pretty* girl?
Grim: [speaking in an ecstatic, high-pitched, feminine voice] I’m very pretty! Look at me! I’m *queen* pretty! Aren’t boys just so dreamy? I can talk on the phone for hours about nothing!
Grim: Let’s brush my hair! And paint my toes!
Mandy: You can stop. We were only kidding.
Grim: Oh, it’s fun to accessorize! Let’s all ride some magical pink ponies! I’ll name mine Sparkles Fantastic!
“The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy: Who Killed Who?/Tween Wolf (#2.4)” (2003)
Grim: I know everything there is to know about *that* house.
“The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy: That’s My Mummy/Toys Will Be Toys (#3.16)” (2004)
Grim: Milkshakes, where are you going?
milkshakes: [being controlled by the dinobanoids] To destroy all that is good. I mean, meow.
“The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy: The Bad News Ghouls/House of No Tomorrow (#4.3)” (2005)
Master Control: [monitor activates] I am Master Control, computer of the future.
[jumps on Grim’s arms]
Grim: That’d better be sweat dripping down your leg, boy.
Master Control: I am programmed to run all of the machines at this attraction. My intelligence is beyond measure, I know everything there is to know, and I’m not too shabby at checkers.
Grim: Wait, how can you know *everything*?
Master Control: I just do, so there.
Grim: If you know everything, then what’s the meaning of life?
Master Control: Life has no meaning, only machine intelligence is truly important on a cosmic scale.
Grim: Hmm, I didn’t think he’d get that one right.
Billy: Oh, yeah? Then what’s my favorite color?
Master Control: Blue.
Billy: What’s the best kind of bean?
Master Control: Pinto.
Billy: Why is the sky blue?
Master Control: Because of the refraction of sunlight through the water droplets in the sky.
Billy: Why do I ask so many questions?
Master Control: Because you’re stupid!
Billy: What’s the color of my underwear?
Master Control: White…
[raises an eyebrow]
Master Control: …with pink frilly lace.
Billy: [checks in his pants] Wow. It really does know everything.
“The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy: Billy & Mandy’s Jacked-Up Halloween (#2.10)” (2003)
Jack O’Lantern: Three hundred and sixty-four days a year. I can’t even go to the ding-dong grocery store to buy pudding. And do you know why?
Billy: Ooh, ooh, is it because you’re a pumpkin-headed freak?
Jack O’Lantern: Yes! And why is that?
Billy: Is it ’cause Grim cut your real head off?
Jack O’Lantern: Yes. And tonight, I’m going to return the favor.
Billy: You’re going to cut Grim’s head off? Don’t be an idiot. Grim’s head is removable; observe.
[removes Grim’s head]
Jack O’Lantern: Ah, but any head cut off with the Grim Reaper’s scythe stays off… forever!
Billy: That’s a different story. Sorry, Grim ol’ boy, tough break.
Billy: Well, we sure had some good times together, eh, Grim?
Grim: You’re just going to leave me here?
Jack O’Lantern: Now, now, that’s no way to get *a head*!
Grim: That’s not funny.
Jack O’Lantern: [Snaps fingers, commanding tree ghoul to restrain Grim] Come on, now, where’s your sense of humor?
[laughs deviously and whistles casually while placing a basket where Grim’s head will drop after decapitation]
Grim: Oh, poop.
[Billy whistles casually and realizes the whole decapitation issue]
Billy: [Runs off, panicked] Grim’s in trouble! Help, police!
Discworld II: Mortality Bytes! (1996) (VG)
Rincewind: If I promise you that I’ll find a way of making you popular, will you come back?
Death: People will like me, you promise?
Rincewind: Cross my heart and hope to meet you in your professional capacity.
“Red Dwarf: Gunmen of the Apocalypse (#6.3)” (1993)
Death: We’re gonna cut you up so small the worms won’t even need to chew.
Rimmer: You can’t frighten me! I’m a coward, I’m always scared!
“The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy: Bully Boogie/Here Thar Be Dwarves (#3.7)” (2004)
Grim: I wonder how Billy’s picnic is going.
Billy: [flies by really fast though the air] Hey Grim! Hey Mandy!
Grim: That answers one question but raises so many others.
“The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy: Billy Ocean/Hill Billy (#6.1)” (2006)
[Mandy gets sprayed by cow’s milk]
Grim: What’s this?
[he sees a retro cartoon phonograph]
Grim: Hey, Mandy, I’ve figured out what’s making that music.
[Mandy gets up]
Grim: You okay?
Mandy: [sourly] Do I look okay?
Grim: It’s hard to tell; you sort of always look that way.
[Mandy gets sprayed by cow’s milk again]
Grim: [laughing] Now that’s comedy!
Mandy: [really furious; screaming] I HATE RETRO CARTOONS!
Angel of Death: You must restore the balance or pay the penalty.
The Importance of Playing Yardball (2007)
Death: Kid, you’ve got to lighten up and have a sense of humor! You know you haven’t smiled once since you died? I mean, I brought you out here to cheer you up!
[camera zooms out to reveal they are leaning against a child’s playground]
Big Brother: [defeated] You are such a dick, and you are the worst person for this job.
“The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy: Smell of Vengeance: Part 1/Fiend Is Like Friend Without the ‘r’/Smell of Vengeance: Part 2 (#1.4)” (2001)
Nergal: You’ve come back to save the children?
Mandy: Yeah, what’s up with that?
Grim: Umm… well… I’m just taking them with me so I can eat them later.
“Charmed: Styx Feet Under (#7.5)” (2004)
Angel of Death: You don’t understand. People have to die in order, according to my list. Otherwise, the cosmic balance is thrown off.
“Supernatural: I Think I’m Gonna Like It Here (#9.1)” (2013)
Death: I must admit when I heard it was you, well… I had to come myself.
Sam Winchester: I bet you get off on this.
Death: Perhaps. But not in the way you assume. I consider it quite the honor to be collecting the likes of Sam Winchester. I try so hard not to pass judgment at times like this. Not my bag, you see, but you.
Death: Well played, my boy.
Death: [sitting at the controls of a tower monster] I do like to dress up when I come down town. So, how was she?
Stu Miley: [standing on the monster’s right hand] She was… she was beautiful. Of course I was decomposing at the time but… at least now she knows how much I love her.
Monkeybone: [looking nervous] Uh, excuse me, Death… I hate to break up this little love test, but my little bladder is about to burst.
[Death pulls a lever, and the hand Monkeybone is on swings over Stu]
Monkeybone: [screams] BUT I’VE *REALLY* GOTTA GO!
[the hand covers Stu, then rises off him revealing Monkeybone has disappeared]
Stu Miley: [feeling his head] Where, where’s Monkeybone?
Death: Back in your head where he belongs. I don’t wanna hurt your feelings Stu, but on your own you’re a tad vinilla, so I didn’t want to send you back without him.
Stu Miley: [surprised] You’re wha… did you? You’re sending my *back*?
Death: [sure] Yes. I’m sending you back.
Stu Miley: Thank you. Death…
Death: I like you. I’ll take the South Park guys instead I hear they’re dying to meet me.
Death: Come on Stu. Turn round.
Stu Miley: [turns around] Like this?
Death: Yeah, uh-huh.
Death: Stu, little higher.
[Stu steps higher up the palm, and the other hand comes up behind him]
Death: See ya!
[the finger springs off the the thumb, sending Stu back]
Hellboy II: The Golden Army (2008)
Angel of Death: Anung un Rama…
Liz Sherman: You know that name?
Angel of Death: And yours, Elizabeth Sherman. At last, I have been waiting for you both, I am his death and I will meet him at every crossroad.
Liz Sherman: Can you save him?
Angel of Death: It is for you to decide. It is all the same to me, my heart is filled with dust and sand. But you should know, it is his destiny to bring about the destruction of the Earth… not now, not tomorrow but soon enough. Knowing that, you still want him to live?
Angel of Death: So, child, make the choice. The world, or him?
Liz Sherman: Him.
Angel of Death: The time will come, and you, my dear, will suffer more than anyone.
Liz Sherman: I’ll deal with it. Now save him.
Angel of Death: It is done.
[the Angel removes the spearhead from Hellboy’s chest]
Angel of Death: I have done what I can, now give him a reason to live.
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