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Have you ever watched the advertisements for SyFy Saturday night movies and wondered, “Why aren’t the movies they show ever as cool, clever, and fun as the promos?” If so, Midnight Syndicate films has exactly what you’ve been looking for.

A young woman (Sean Serino) obsessed with contacting her dead brother accidentally comes into possession of a strange amulet shaped like a scarab. Unknown to her and her friends, the amulet is being sought by a vampire hunter (Jason Carter) who stole it from a vampire lord (Andrew Divoff.) While the vampire lord attempts to enlist the help of the local alpha vamp (Tom Savini) and his minions to find the artifact, the young woman and her friends stumble upon the amulet’s secret: the wearer can command the dead.

With a script that is clearly from a horror fan writing for horror fans, The Dead Matter follows in the footsteps of such films as Idle Hands, The Evil Dead series, and most recently Trick ‘r Treat. Zombies and vampires appear with no explanation and no need for introduction, launching into the story of ordinary folks who quickly discover “what’s the worst that could happen” when dabbling in the occult. The dialogue is peppered with self-awareness while the plot twists with surprising imagination, using what you think you know to set up a scare and having fun honoring the genre instead of making fun of it.

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After giving another reviewer crap for this, someone started in on myself. If you’ve only reviewed a few films, it isn’t hard to grade on a scale; when you’ve reviewed hundreds of films and people start reading you, they start to see discrepancies (whether real or imagined.) It isn’t possible to rate every film against every other film, and words like good, bad, perfect, and awful don’t always set right with those who put their time and effort into doing the best they can (nor does it mean they get a pass, however.)

The most ethical way in my mind to rate films is by my own recommendation (a word I use on EVERY review) since this is MY opinion. Four skulls to zero skulls is used to signify my personal highest recommendation to my least. If you still need a breakdown:

• 4.0 out of Four Skulls. My highest recommendation. I will see this again. Buy a ticket at the theater. Everyone should see this. I will eventually own it.
• 3.5 out of Four Skulls. Highly recommended. Can’t wait to see this again. Should be seen at the theater. Most moviegoers should see this. I may eventually own it.
• 3.0 out of Four Skulls. Mostly recommended. I may see this again. Worth a ticket at the theater. Many moviegoers should enjoy this. Might purchase it on discount.
• 2.5 out of Four Skulls. A viewable recommendation. Watchable at least one time. Worth a matinee price. You shouldn’t hate yourself for watching this. Ownable in the $5 Walmart bin.
• 2.0 out of Four Skulls. A genre fans only recommendation. Watching once may be palatable. Set it in your Netflix queue or watch on a movie channel. You may feel soiled watching this. Ownable as a gift.
• 1.5 out of Four Skulls. A genre fan warning recommendation. Watching once may cause emotional stress. Set low on your Netflix queue or DVR on a movie channel. You’ll need a shower after watching this. Regift back to whoever gave it to you.
• 1.0 out of Four Skulls. A couch potato recommendation. Watching once may be once too many. Avoid your Netflix queue and skip through your DVR recording. You can’t scrub this movie off fast enough. Wouldn’t keep if you gave me a copy.
• 0.5 out of Four Skulls. A poor recommendation. Watching once may be hazardous to your health. Cable channels should avoid showing this, even late at night. You may be tainted for viewing this. Owning this is a sure sign of dementia.
• 0.0 out of Four Skulls. Reserved only for my lowest recommendations. I cringe when I see this film’s name. No media outlet should show this. No one should see this. You couldn’t torture me into taking a copy.

Things we learned from this past weekend’s 2010 San Diego Comic Con included:

• Linda Hamilton will play Mrs. Bartowski in season 4 “Chuck”
• Super-producer Jerry Bruckheimer sure hopes Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides will be a hit in 2011.
• Guillermo del Toro wants to do a Haunted Mansion movie for Disney “right.”
• New trailers for Priest, Tron: Legacy.
• Skyline wants to be this year’s District 9.
• CHUD.com told you Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark.
• Ryan Reynolds enjoys reciting the Green Lantern oath to six-year olds.
• Lionsgate enjoy burying their fans alive.
• Director Joe Dante isn’t dead; he’s just been spending time in The Hole.
• Norse helms in the Marvel universe are very cool.
• Lotsa cool stuff coming up in the last half of “True Blood” season 3 on HBO.
• After three years of teasing, Tron: Legacy is poised to do Avatar kind of box office business.

Would you believe this is a remake of The Big Chill but with all the parts played by Adam Sandler’s famous and/or infamous friends? It isn’t, but could it have been?

The funeral of a basketball coach reunites the stars of his championship-winning middle school team, now all grown up (Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Chris Rock, David Spade, and Rob Schneider.) Whether they have gone on to predictable careers or become family men, the five former friends and teammates spend a few days at a rented cottage together (with their families) remembering what they wanted to be and lamenting the choices they’ve made in their lives. Ultimately, they discover why they become such good friends to begin with while periodically regressing back to their former juvenile behaviors.

If you believe the trailers, this movie should have been a smile-a-minute laugh-fest, like Meatballs or an old John Candy movie ending with winning some local competition against a bully family. Nearly all of those moments are used up in the trailers, because the film really isn’t merely a comedy. Drawing from the same well as 50 First Dates and more recently Funny People, Grown Ups is refreshingly introspective while actually being bogged down by the same sight gags shown in the advertising. It’s like a Happy Madison alumni reunion special except that someone filmed it, brought friends pretending to be family, and took fake names just to mix it up.

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Good start, so-so middle, ho-hum ending.

When a spy named Roy Miller (Tom Cruise) goes rogue, he targets a random stranger, June (Cameron Diaz), in an airport to sneak an item through security. After initially being told the flight was booked full, June is allowed onto the plane but finds herself wondering why there is only Roy and a handful of passengers on board. With no one else to talk to, June is easily taken in by Roy’s good looks and charming manner, sensing an intensity that she believes is directed towards her. After Roy subsequently kills everyone on board and crash lands the plane in the middle of nowhere, it slowly starts to sink in that June may not have have been so lucky getting onto the plane…

For every female who’s ever been infatuated with Tom Cruise (we’re talking to you, Katie Holmes), here’s your love letter. An unassuming woman from anywhere (who just happens to look like Cameron Diaz) who’s never previously met Mr. Risky Business becomes suddenly and hopelessly infatuated with him once she gets past how dangerous it is to be anywhere near him. Not only is this what the plot boils down to, it’s actually hinges on it in a late second act revelation that throws suspension of disbelief right out the window and into the street like a sackful of unwanted kittens. Did this go wrong in the editing room, or was it always this bad of an idea?

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