It’s not the plot of the next Roland Emmerich flick, just what you’ll see in theaters this weekend.

Assuming there’s any tickets left unsold, The Twilight Saga: New Moon furthers a timeless tale of teen angst, spotty mythology, and spiked hair (with matching eyebrows). Of course, the only way to compete with all that mussed hair is to have hair all over your body (except in human form because no self-respecting werewolf would be seen without a shaved human chest.) Think that goes for the female werewolves, too?

Anyway, assuming there are any theaters left to show it, Planet 51 features an astronaut who lands on an alien planet to discover that he’s the actual “alien” there. And it STILL doesn’t sound like “The Rock” as the voice of the astronaut.

No matter how photo-realistic the end of the world might appear, seeing anyone trying to outrun it on two legs is just plain silly.

Through the magic of movie making, an astronomical alignment causes gigantic solar flares (that no one seems to notice) to superheat the Earth’s molten core (without causing any other radiological alarm from sounding), setting the stage for world-wide volcanic eruptions, super-tsunamis, continental shifts and cinematic gold! While the governments of the world petition the rich for the funds to save humanity (and their own tail feathers), a failed writer (John Cusack) nobly tries to save his broken family and their new father figure from Armageddon. Will he succeed in traveling halfway around the world just to have the aforementioned father figure die pathetically so that he can get his family back and live happily ever after? (Hint: he’s the star.)

What’s always sad about films like this is that they look so good (incredible production design, awesome special effects) but feel so shallow due to appealing to the lowest common denominator. Drama is limited to Cusack screaming into his cell phone (take that, Nic Cage!) and a “heartless politician” arguing with a “bleeding-heart liberal” over whether to overload transports (with finite supplies) rather than leave anyone behind (other than the six billion people who didn’t make it to the secret location or never knew about it). If you want to see the most incredible end-of-the-world footage rendered since Nic Cage’s Knowing, buy a ticket. Otherwise, it’ll look just fine on your 50-inch LCD television next year.

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If the only reason you’re remaking a classic is to one-up whoever remade it previously, is it really worth the effort? Fortunately, Jim Carrey decided not to waste a wasted opportunity.

Ebeneezer Scrooge (Jim Carrey) is a penny-pinching miser, a personal policy that has made him well off but also isolated him from his fellow man. Believing himself better off in his financial security than in being happy connecting with family and friends, Scrooge takes the most comfort in laughing at how pitiful those without are in their self-made situations. When the ghost of his old business partner, Jacob Marley (Gary Oldman), makes an appearance, he gives Scrooge a glimpse of what awaits him in the afterlife unless he changes his ways. To help him see what must be done, Marley tells Scrooge he will be visited by three spirits…

Okay, you know the story and how it ends. My personal favorite of the classic versions was always the one with George C. Scott as Ebeneezer, whereas my favorite reinterpretation of the tale has always been Bill Murray’s turn in Scrooged. This new version, however, is a little of both, using motion capture and CGI to take Scrooge not only through time but across a sweeping landscape EVERY time the camera moves. In the same way that Peter Jackson’s King Kong kept upping the ante from the original (three T-rexes instead of one, jumping at bi-planes instead of mere swiping), this latest “Christmas Carol” agenda seems mostly interested in pushing everything over the top: better, stronger, faster (Steve Austin would be proud.)

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Oh, you FORGOT what day it was, did you? That’s okay, just try not to think about it.

2012 finally arrives (two years early) to destroy everything we know and kill billions of people (what fun!) Then there’s Pirate Radio, the first of at least a dozen Indie films we’re sure Philip Seymour Hoffman will appear in before Christmas. The Messenger is NOT the prequel to The Messengers (do not be fooled), and George Clooney, when not staring at goats, is The Fantastic Mr. Fox.

Go see a movie tonight and everything will be juuuuuuuuuuuust fine.

Jenna Lee on Fox News Channel – Is she actually a real-life vampire? That would be totally hot, right?