MovieCrypt.com will celebrate its 25th anniversary this year. According to the internet (because everything online is true), the prefrontal cortex of our website has reached full maturity… as if I didn’t already feel rather ancient. I’d advise you to never get old, but I’m a lazy reaper.

While my every critique isn’t yet on our site, much has changed over time regarding how I compose them. From paragraph formatting and trying to be as spoiler-free as possible to a preferred recommendation system and learning everything I’m able with regards to the filmmaking process.

From personal experience and discussion with other informed voices in the film community, I’ve developed a shorthand set of thumb rules — best Captain Barbossa voice: “… more what you’d call ‘guidelines’ than actual rules.” Unfortunately, some folks take my written word as Biblical, assuming their first understanding is sacrosanct and beyond contestation, so this series of articles will break down what I’m on about.

My Decem Praecepta:

1. Thou shalt not bore me.
2. Thou shalt have no deus ex machina before me.
3. Thou shalt not make too many mysteries.
4. Thou shalt not use marginalized groups as plot devices.
5. Remember the source material to keep it holy.
6. Honor the filmography of thy father and thy mother.
7. Thou shalt not murder thy ending with ambiguity.
8. Thou shalt not plagiarize thy inspirations.
9. Thou shalt not grift unreliable narrative.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy fellow filmmaker’s success.

Let’s begin.

“1. Thou shalt not bore me.”

💀

Like the first sentence of a Stephen King novel, a film should seek my curiosity but also hold my attention (with full apologies to Calvin J. Candie).

Scenes do not have to take so damn long. Welcome to the era of the three-hour-plus epic (mini-rant: bring back the intermission!) The superhero battle that never ends, the torture scene that goes on and on like an evil Energizer Bunny, and the penultimate scene where the b-plot couple finally admit the reason they hate each other is because they secretly lust for one another. Remember circling the refitted USS Enterprise in Star Trek: the Motion Picture for what felt like an hour? Yes, it’s pretty — Paramount paid $150K for a new 8-foot model in 1979 and you’re going to look at it — very nice, got it. Anyway…

Assuming there’s a point, make it… and then move on. If not, does there have to be so much of it? Editing is important, especially for continuity but also to focus on what needs attention for flow. “My God, it’s full of unnecessary space tunnel VFX stars…!” Kill your darlings, Stanley Kubrick; edit to the bone and get to the damn story. Don’t go chasing waterfalls, Terrence Malick, especially while your actors are in the middle of a soliloquy that you wrote.

Moments with their own stories add up to the overarching story. Once Upon a Time In the West opens with a lonely train station in the Midwest, building tension like moving chess pieces and showcasing the setting until the mandatory gunshots ring out, playing to trope but also to switching it up. John Cusack’s film 1408 is mostly just himself vs. an evil room, but every moment is either foreshadowing or a callback. While it’s true film is a visual and collaborative medium, there’s a reason why Alfred Hitchcock said all he needed to make a great film was “the script, the script, and the script.”

Disclaimer: these are my opinions; feel free to articulate your own in the comments. 💀

Next up:

“2. Thou shalt have no deus ex machina before me.”

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