I’ve got 999 problems with this film, but Eddie Murphy isn’t one.

When a relocating mother (Rosario Dawson) and her son (Chase Dillion) discover their cursed Louisiana home is haunted, they recruit a slacker priest (Owen Wilson), a New Orleans medium (Tiffany Haddish), an enthusiastic historian (Danny DeVito), and a guy named Ben (LaKeith Stanfield): a down-on-his-luck astrophysicist/ CERN-operator/ spirit photographer/ tour guide with a tragic backstory. The mortals will discover the 999 spirits haunting the mysterious mansion are no accident, orchestrated by an entity with sinister intent. If the ragtag group of would-be ghostbusters can’t solve the mystery and stop the curse before the next full moon, they risk becoming a permanent part of the inevitable E-ticket spirit tour.

Like any good haunted house, The Haunted Mansion attraction at the Disney theme parks is spooky fun with a hint of danger and a dire backstory. A widow who decapitates her husbands? Family members poisoned while others are shot dead in vengeance or in duels? The infamous Hatbox Ghost that vanished from the attic shortly after the original ride opened only to recently reappear again? The classic Thurl Ravenscoft narration warns guests to stay in their Doom Buggies because mortal danger from malevolent spirits is ever-present… and beware of hitchhiking ghosts! Directed by Houston-native Justin Simien from a script by Katie Dippold (who also co-wrote Ghostbusters 2016), it’s been twenty years since Disney’s last attempt to turn this beloved original attraction into a potential film franchise. Can this intellectual property reboot successfully become a new Pirates of the Caribbean level cash cow, or should it expect to be buried in the cemetery next to the last cinematic corpse?

The biggest problem with the 2003 Eddie Murphy-helmed The Haunted Mansion movie was feeling like both Murphy and the Mansion were shoehorned into a dull reincarnation ghost script even Terrence Stamp couldn’t save, but the minimal cast was manageable. Twenty years later, focusing on a huge ensemble cast (instead of the better included core story) bloats the run time by devolving into side-character silliness, undermining any goodwill or gravitas. Dawson’s mom character is sidelined almost instantly while Haddish’s medium is rendered unnecessary once Curtis is introduced, and neither DeVito nor Wilson appear to do anything more than take up space and make wisecracks. It all distracts from LaKeith Stanfield trying to sell a decent story versus a supporting cast added in as an afterthought — a bit like the CGI animals added to Robert Downey Jr.’s equally bloated Dolittle. With so little improvement put into a remake after two decades, a decent Haunted Mansion movie might actually exist by 2083.

Falling into the something-for-everyone category that ends up being too little for anyone, the best parts are essentially in the trailers with the film merely linking the filler between revealed money shots. The story successfully combines much of the mansion’s lore, but the edit bogs it all down into a grab bag of so-what subplots. As unlikely as it might seem, a bright point was Jared Leto’s Hatbox Ghost incorporating much of the Mansion’s lore, but a side-quest to yet another location adds an uninteresting half-hour — including a teeny tiny cameo from Winona Ryder — before jerking the story back to where it should have stayed. Both the 2003 and current film use too much computer imagery — the Eddie Murphy mansion looked better, frankly — with gags too silly for adults (also appearing in the most recent trailers) yet too boring for the kiddies. Only thirty seconds in-film of “Grim Grinning Ghosts?!” Not cool.

In 2021 on Disney+, a streaming special called “Muppet Haunted Mansion” aired, and it remains to date the best adaptation of the infamous ride’s trappings for fans (with a healthy dose of Muppet nostalgia heaped on top). Maybe the Henson company should make the next one? Unfortunately, no matter how many lackluster movies Disney makes about their Haunted Mansion, there’s always room for one more.

Haunted Mansion is rated PG-13 for some thematic elements, scary action, and don’t worry about it because there’s a far better scary movie coming out the same weekend (you’re welcome).

Two skull recommendation out of four.

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